Excessive Apologies: Ways to Stop the Pattern

For me as a woman in my late thirties, I’ve consistently thought that politeness is essential, which includes saying sorry when I think I’ve made a mistake. Despite a satisfying life, I’ve battled very little self-assurance. This mix of aiming to be considerate and doubting myself has turned me into someone who says sorry often. Often, it happens so automatically that I’m barely noticing of it. It comes from anxiety and has impacted both my personal and work life. It annoys my family and friends and co-workers, and then I get annoyed when they bring it up—which only heightens my anxiety.

Public Speaking and Asking Questions

This constant saying sorry is especially problematic when it comes to public speaking or posing queries in front of people. I try to prepare notes to stay concise and avoid nervous rambling, but even that doesn’t work most of the time. As an junior researcher in political science, speaking with confidence is crucial. I’ve attempted to work on this through facing fears, such as teaching classes and compelling myself to ask questions at community gatherings, despite experiencing embarrassments from experienced male academics. I’ve also tried taking a moment before speaking to become more conscious of when I’m apologizing, but this is effective at first before I fall back to old habits.

Self-Acceptance

I doubt I’ll ever fully like myself, and I’ve accepted with that. I still value life and find it fulfilling. My main goal is to stop the overuse of apologies. I’ve read that professional help might support me, but I ask how it can help in practice.

Apologizing is a useful skill, but it must be used correctly. Too infrequent or too much, and you place a burden on others.

Exploring the Causes

A psychotherapist might explore where this habit comes from. Thoughts including, “How young were you when this started?” or “Was it your own idea or adopted from someone important to you?” Sometimes, youthful habits that once benefited us become unhelpful in later years.

In fact, some of your current behaviors could be seen as self-defeating. You know it annoys those around you, yet you persist it.

Benefits of Counseling

When asked what counseling could do, one approach focuses on staying present rather than striving. Much of good therapy is about self-awareness, not just fixing issues. A experienced counselor will gently challenge you, offering a safe space to explore and accept who you are.

Instead of facing fears head-on, a connection-based method with a person-centered counselor might be more helpful. This can help you come back to yourself and examine how you judge, ignore, and criticize yourself. It can assist in catching self-criticism, interrupting it, and finding more gentle ways to see things. Your confidence can improve from there.

Practical Steps

Changing long-standing behaviors is challenging, especially in stressful moments when apologizing feels like a automatic response. But you can start by considering on how apologizing serves you and what it would be like to refrain. Often, it’s an attempt to avoid shame or being seen, by recognizing perceived mistakes before others do. This can create a vicious circle of irritation and anxiety.

Even processing later can be beneficial. Try pausing briefly before responding, or use a stock phrase instead of “I’m sorry.” For example, saying “I understand” can make others feel listened to without you taking blame.

This journey will take patience, but acknowledging there’s an issue is a significant first step toward growth.